Hmmm… an interesting way to begin a story, don’t you think? Write down the things you have been ruminating about to see where they fall. They do say journalling can help you put some kind of order to your thoughts and feelings, so I am trying it tonight.
My day
I woke up this morning feeling tired this morning but chose to do as I have now done each morning for the past 26 days, and that is to jump into my cold pool and swim laps. I do love the water; feeling my body move through the water and I swim lap after lap. It is just lovely really. Sometimes for my head, I feel bored as I am swimming lap number 55, but I quickly snap back my focus on the feeling of the water as I move one arm at a time over my head. Bringing my focus back to my body. It really is the only exercise that I enjoy, and the only exercise I will choose to continue. Keeps my mind healthy, my body moving, and I feel proud each day knowing I have done the exercise.
After I left the pool, removed my swimmers, and grabbed my towel, a sense of sadness came over me. No specific thought brought it on, it just … appeared. I rang dad to say I do not want to work on the cars today, am going to have a rest. I naturally felt bad about it, but I just did not have the energy to do anything today. For the past week I have been dealing with severe period aches and pains, even though my periods have not yet arrived, it is exhausting. Is this pms? Ha, nope. The only pms issues I have been dealing with for the past 35yrs is severe period pain. I do have a low pain threshold and get angry when I am in pain, but apart from that nope…not a moody bitch with pms like other gals.
I know myself well enough to understand that when I feel this way, I need to isolate myself and give myself the time to sit with what I am feeling, thinking, and just “go with it.” So, I dropped Grace at school, rang dad and spent the day on the lounge. Any time I do this chillaxing on a day off and do not really achieve anything I feel guilty. Guilty for having the time freedom to be productive and do wonderful things, but not today bitches, not today.
I watched the rest of the Netflix show ‘One Day,’ and of course I cried like a baby, which I needed. Dad had been working for a few hours, and then popped in to say hi before heading home, and I helped him get a few things done for his doctor’s appointments … but that is it.
What am I feeling here? I remember it was only a few days ago when I enjoyed a real sense of happiness about life. Living where I do, swimming in the mornings with Grace, having the freedom to drop her and pick her up from school and working hard at a job I enjoy. God on Sunday Grace even tried to show me how to knit, which I cannot do well. So, instead I watched a YouTube video and taught myself how to crochet…at which I was not too bad. So, yay for learning something knew… but really, what is it about today?
I need to find a way to sift through all the “bull---t” potential reasons my mind may present as causes here, to find the truth… but how do I do that on my own, in my own head. How do I sift through the murky waters of my mind to try and find the jewel that is sitting at the bottom of the ocean waiting for me to find it? Sounds like a movie, doesn’t it? As I was writing that, I could see it playing like a movie reel. This is all flowing freely out onto the digital page in front of me. I am sitting with my laptop on my lap, head back resting on the lounge and typing with my eyes closed so my perfectionist brain stops trying to make corrections to what I write. Closing my eyes allows me the freedom to just write. I need to find the truth here. I need to find what it is I am searching for and what I want to change. How do I do this?
Side note – I want to write, and I have three short online courses ready for me to watch and learn how to structure my stories to get “pen to paper” as they say. I will get to this.
What am I feeling… I am trying to not look too deeply. Instead, this is just a feeling I am experiencing and that my body and mind need to process and move through, without tying it to a particular event, moment, experience. Because really, sometimes in life we complicate things that are not that complicated. So, today, I just sit right here, where I am, doing what I need and that is typing thoughts away, feeling what I am feeling without connecting dots where I do not need to, and just be. All day long I am feeling a need to roll through my thoughts like movie trailers and see if something fits the description of what I am feeling but nothing hits. Nothing….
I just know, right now, I do not want to talk, I do not want to communicate verbally much at all. I always make it a point to share my thoughts with Grace, so when I picked her up today, I explained briefly to her that I have been having a bit of a sad feeling day, not about anything specific that it is just a feeling, and that I have been sitting with it and just letting it be… she hugged me and said “oh no, okay mummy, here’s a hug. Tomorrow will be better” …. (I am raising a beautiful being right there). She is currently playing games online with four of her friends after finishing her homework for the night. Though, she will read to me tonight before bed, as we do on school nights.
You know, it is just lovely that I get to be around another human being who just gets it…and strangely enough, my 10-year-old, amazing little girl gets it. I just make sure I communicate where I am at, what I need, and she gets it. She understands it is just a moment in time, that it is okay to feel good and bad, and to just feel it and give yourself what you need. Of course, I have been teaching her that…but it is amazing she gets it at her age.
Tomorrow is another day – I will rest well tonight, wake with the new day and swim and be brave, amazing, productive, and impressive at work and continue to find my peace, my place in this world!
Love and light xx
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